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Ok. I am not afraid to admit that (while it may sound over dramatic, it’s not) I am officially turning into a Bridezilla. I always thought that people who went through this were a little nuts and slightly attention seeking and selfish. Even when my own sister went all mean bride lady. But no, it feels like a chemical imbalance in my brain. This is very real. I am miserable at the moment trying to get everything done.

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I have spent so much time and energy trying to get ready for this perfect wedding that I had my expectations set for in my head that I am struggling to cope in real life.

I thought that having an outdoor wedding with a grilling out style/ potluck themed dinner and just close friends and family that was a camping event would make things easier…I wouldn’t have to worry about a caterer doing a terrible job and being overpaid for a terrible job. I wouldn’t have to worry about lodging for my guest. I wouldn’t have to worry about the location being only rentable for a certain amount of time or being to big or small.

I thought this would be easy. But here I am, literally almost a year after initially planning and still, everything I try to put together just falls apart.

I have been progressively having more and more breakdowns where I find myself coming home and crying and having to be calmed down and told it’s all going to be ok that I am to the point where I wish I would have just went about everything differently.

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I could have just said sorry to my family but went and got eloped like my fiancé kept saying maybe we should do. But I am having a wedding because I always dreamt of what it would be like when I was a child. And I don’t want to let my family down as I’d never hear the end of it.

I’m too far along and have put too much effort and money into it to back out. We are having this wedding. But I hate being miserable in the mean time getting ready for it. I feel defeated though… Has anyone else ever been through this?

And here’s the thing, I was finally starting to feel better. My fiancé even said he noticed how I had been acting like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And here’s why: I finally found my dress and had a band lined up and my honey moon paid off and my venue and my bridesmaids and such all invited to be bridesmaids etc… I hadn’t had a panic attack in at least a week or two. Yes they have been often, I even had one when we went to get our passports, which probably made me look like a terrorist! LOL I was just nervous to be around anyone because I was so stressed out and there was no hiding it. But Anyway, back to how I was feeling better, low and behold, another crap storm came. #IHateWeddingPlanning!

Yesterday was my fitting for my dress. I was so excited for this, because a close friend of the family told me, don’t worry about paying out the wazoo for a seamstress, my sister can do any alterations for free. And this offer was from someone who I really trusted. And I trusted his sister with no doubts about it because she had done dresses for me in the past and did a great job.  She never asked for money but we always paid her anyway because it was the right thing to do. Only I didn’t realize she was getting up there in age. We showed up for the appointment and I tried on the dress to be told, “I’m sorry but I’ve gotten older and I just can’t handle that big of a job any more. If I could I’d do it for free, but I’m really sorry I don’t think I can fix your dress. It needs at least 6 inches off the bottom. And when I didn’t know the person, I used to charge at least like $300 or $400” She had no recommendations of anyone else. And now I’m frantically in search of a seamstress in my area that won’t charge me an arm and a leg. No worries I was going to pay her. Just not $400! I am on a tight budget since my car’s motor decided to go out in the middle of all this wedding planning about a month ago which really hurt our budget.

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And then I get home and find out the band we were hiring has a schedule conflict. My wedding is in October….. Looks like I may have to hire a different one. I have to hire a band or two because the invitations literally say Wedstock and that there is live music.

My life is really hard right now between this, and work, and my band.

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I’m so nervous I need a valium. I don’t even have time to see a shrink in the middle of all this. Plus, I don’t have the time off from work to do so and I really want to be strong and get through this without meds. My fiancé I feel would be disappointed if I calmed my nerves with chemicals anyway. He knows I am the type of person who shouldn’t’ be on them and he is right. But I am miserable.

I just want this wedding to be over and to be married to my best friend already. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I thought wedding planning would be fun.

Yes, my wedding will be beautiful. But if I ever had the choice to go back in time and do it again, I wouldn’t. I’d agree with my fiancé back when he said, let’s just be wild and elope!

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It’s crazy how naïve I was about this. If I would have known as a child I’d be so terrible at wedding planning, I may not have dreamt of this big theatrical shindig which I planned and now my family and friends are all excited and I’m trying to act like I have it together and am not about to lock myself in the loony bin making it happen. Don’t get me wrong! I can’t wait for the event and to spend time with my friends and my family. But I’m a hot mess. I’m exhausted.

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