Hello! I haven’t written in quite some time as I haven’t gotten the chance or maybe I wasn’t feeling quite creative enough when I did. Regardless, I’m back and I hope you will forgive me for not posting in a while!
As you may remember, last yearish I wrote an article about no longer giving any fucks. While it is humorous, I did mean it. The problem is, damn it, as much as I try and sometimes feel that I don’t give a fuck (or as we nineties kids referred to it back in the day IDGAF), I have an anxiety disorder. I have panic attacks man. And I don’t know how to get rid of them!
This is my best description of what a panic attack feels like:
Imagine you are walking down a city sidewalk. You look up (adrenaline immediately rushing) to see a piano falling just over your head as it has been thrown out of a large window. You don’t know if you will escape in time or not. You are just running and trying to play it cool like your not worried or anything. Yea I know it’s crazy, but I am also an optimist!
So I explained this to someone last night when I had a hell of an attack who told me nicely to just deal with it and ignore it because that’s what they do. This person, while they were trying to help, doesn’t have anxiety attacks. If you don’t have them, you can sympathize but you probably won’t understand because your anxiety is different. For panic disorders (which usually occur from PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder or similar) it’s just not that easy. I wish I could just ignore my attacks but they totally have a mind of their own. They are kind of like a women’s period. LOL I’d give almost anything to quit having them. You see, there is a difference between regular stress/ anxiety vs. the anxiety of a panic attack. With regular anxiety or everyday stresses, ignore it and deal with it (man up basically) works for me. I think that’s great advice because as humans, these feelings are normal. But with panic attacks, the feelings aren’t normal. They strike sporadically and while sometimes I feel one will happen again, I never know when it will or what causes it. My stress and thoughts during a panic attack are irrational and inexplicable. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like bipolar disorder in that I go quickly from Happy to Depressed and it lasts a few hours and then I’m wore out but ok again (just like bipolar disorder). But unlike bipolar disorder, it’s very infrequent. At least I don’t think bipolar disorder happens infrequently! Perhaps some of you experience this?
So again, I had a very exhausting panic attack just yesterday and I am writing this article to help me cope with it rather than bottling it up. I’ve tried pretty much everything else from meditation to essential oils to arts and crafts and talking… but from what I read, panic disorder is treatable. However, unfortunately, it is not curable.
I give a fuck today because I don’t know what to do. m stuck because I’m not quite sure counseling is for me. I’ve done it before, it made me super nervous and wasn’t really of help. I was put on meds and the counsellors in this area that I saw didn’t seem to know what they were doing as they tried to put me on a med for drug addiction for my anxiety! I wasn’t on drugs. So why would I need suboxone?! Crazy right.
I’ve thought about seeing another counselor but I can’t anonymously. I have family at the one counselling center we have and a friend (who I don’t quite trust as my counselor to be honest though I love her as a person) at the other. There are only two that specialize in anxiety disorders.
I often feel that a medication would help as I know I just need something to calm my nerves when I panic and only then (not to abuse). But I’m very weary of them as they can become addictive and they can feel good and my husband is very against them for this reason. I’m mainly against it because I just don’t have a counselor to go to in this area who can help.
I will go back to feeling like I don’t give a fuck I promise. That is what I strive for. But for now, if anyone has any suggestions, online counseling info that would fit my situation, or anything that has worked for them, please share!
For anyone else who is going through this, I am here for you! 1 in 100 people have a panic disorder. That’s a lot of us. I’m here to support you if you need a friend.
Until next time, stay sparkly!
The Girl With Sparkles in her Eyes